Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Truths and Consequences

Subtitle: Now where did I put me?

I've been on a downward spiral mentally lately and I finally landed, I think. Yesterday it culminated in a strong feeling of discontent and restlessness that I couldn't put my finger on. It felt familiar and suffocating. Overnight it became clear: I've lost myself again.

Over the past few weeks, I've been feeling unanchored, thoroughly unmotivated and quite unbusy work-wise. So I've tried to solve it by taking on more projects around the house and helping our daughter Erin with their daughters and generally hanging out. It got to the point where I found myself waiting for someone to need me or ask me to do something. I just haven't checked with myself to see what I wanted to do, what I needed to do for myself. I forgot that I need to find a share of myself to keep for me.

So my next project is to find time for me and remember to focus some of my attention on what I need to be content and feel fulfilled. I don't know why this slips me up periodically but it does and then I just get lost.

And on another level but in the same vein, I'm grossly disappointed in me. I have been watching with embarrassment (and not a little horror) as my weight has stayed firmly pegged (about 30 pounds above where it should be) despite my halfhearted efforts to eat properly and exercise. I'm eating well enough that I'm not gaining weight but I'm not losing, most of my clothes don't fit and I won't look in the mirror if I can help it. Along with that, I think I'm enjoying wine a little too much and believe that's also contributing to my lack of motivation, will power and overwhelming feeling of apathy. I worry because my father died of cirrhosis so I'm painfully conscious of my heritage and losing myself that way too.

When I was in b-school, my favorite saying was "if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting." That pertains to my constant but self-sabotaged efforts to whittle my waistline and drinking now as it did then with studying. So the obvious answer is fix it or make peace with it. I can't make peace with it so I must find a way to resist my natural inclinations and habits.

A third part of this discontent is that next week I'm scheduled to assume the role of president for two non-profit church-based ministries in our community and I really, REALLY don't want to do it. I'm happiest in the background getting tactical things done, not being in the forefront crafting policy and leading. Yet another thing I need to make peace with that, incidentally, takes away a piece of me for the next two years. It isn't something I can avoid. So my attitude must slowly come around to what won't kill me makes me stronger.

More on this as I take a new deep dive into self discovery.

1 comment:

LceeL said...

"a new deep dive into self discovery." I'm willing to bet you like what you find - when you do finally find yourself. When you discover who you really are. When you figure out that you've been in there all along. Voyages of self discovery are like that - especially for decent people like yourself.