Unhappy with me

No one else (that I know of) is unhappy with me. I am. I started going to Weight Watchers on April 29th. I've been there every week since then.

My progress:
-2.2 pounds week 1
+.8 pounds week 2
-2.6 pounds week 3
+.8 pounds week 4
+1.8 pounds week 5

Total net loss in five weeks 1.4 pounds -- and that's because I wore jeans the first time and have been in lighter clothes every week since. So effectively no loss at all.

Ridiculous. I'm paying $40 a month for this. To continue to bobble around, weight-wise, and not really get my act together for a solid seven days in a row. I'm so angry with myself I could just spit. I look at my weekly tracker and I have been consistently at or over my points allowance most days. I'm playing a game with myself and I'm always the loser but in the wrong way.

In the past I've spent months going to a nutritionist for about double the cost of Weight Watchers but you get one-on-one sessions and someone looking objectively but critically at what you're eating and doing for exercise. I played that one too.

I know exactly what I need to do. Why is it that my penchant leans so heavily to self sabotage rather than self improvement and weight loss? I carry one of the grandkids up the stairs and think that their weight is the same as what I want to lose. How much easier climbing the stairs would be on my knees if I can focus long enough to lose the 30 or 40 pounds.

I'm determined to buckle down and focus on getting this done. I will do it. We are going on a cruise in two and a half months. I don't want to look chubby and I want to feel good about myself. It's time I stopped screwing around and get serious.