One for the bucket list

Johnnie has always been fascinated by the Segway, those two wheel stand up vehicles you saw in Paul Blart, Mall Cop and, if you live in California (or other warm states), you might see them in malls, on trails or on the sidewalks. Anyway, I was thrilled when a month ago I saw a Groupon advertising Segway tours in our area. I missed the Groupon deal but decided to sign us up for a tour for Father's Day.

We went on our tour on Saturday and it was a blast. I never told Johnnie what we were doing and had him completely mystified. I told him this was one for the bucket list -- probably not at the top of the list but on there nonetheless. He was blown away when we pulled into the parking lot where we were meeting the UpstateSegTour.com person (Joe) who would lead our tour.

We started with a few minutes of safety discussion and individual lessons getting on, off and learning to drive it. It's all done with foot pressure and the upright is merely there as something for you to hold onto -- there are no controls in the handle at all. Lean forward, you go forward. Lean back on your heels, you are in reverse. Move the handle to one side or the other and you turn. Zero turning radius. Way cool. Silent operation.You wear a bicycle helmet (they provided although we brought our own) and reasonable footwear -- no flipflops.

I have pictures of Johnnie that I'll post as soon as I remember where I put the camera.

It was a beautiful day for this -- about 80 degrees, sunny and no breeze. Just delightful. We went on the Genesee Riverway -- a hiking/biking path and about half a mile of it is suspended above a marshy area where we saw turtles, swans and cignets (baby swans), ducks and geese. On the paths, the top speed (governed) is eight miles per hour but the Segway ungoverned will get up to 12 miles per hour. Eight miles an hour was plenty fast for us.

There were six of us, three couples, in the group and everyone did really well. It's a mix of balancing like you do on a bicycle -- there are no brakes -- and the balancing of water skiing. The more you lean forward on the balls of your foot, the faster you go. When you balance flat on your feet, you stand more or less still.

The worst part, I think, was standing still on our legs - they got sore after a while and Joe recommended we not stand stiff-legged but unlock our knees a bit to take bumps better and relax our legs. That worked but both Johnnie's and my legs still got tired.

Unfortunately, being the klutz that I am, when we stopped on an uphill incline, I got flustered when my Segway started rolling backwards and I forgot to shift my weight forward to stop the thing. I ended up running into the woman behind me -- in reverse -- and I fell off the Segway. Duh. She fell as well but she didn't hurt herself. Me? I landed on my right elbow and scraped the skin off an inch-long by 1/4 inch wide area directly over my elbow bone. And of course collected a few new black and blue marks. I'm very lucky I didn't break my elbow. Incredibly, the Segway never tipped over - they're incredibly stable.

Joe came to the rescue with gauze pads and tape so we could continue. I was shaken up but didn't want to go back. It was way too fun. When we got home, I soaked my elbow in epsom salts to clean it out then doused it  with peroxide and ultimately slathered itNeosporin and gauze pads wrapped in paper tape.

Fairly sore even two days later because of where the cut/scrape is and it's difficult to pad it sufficiently to make it comfortable. Anyway, enough about my injuries.

It was a real blast and it is rare for someone to fall. Unless they're me. Then it's just a matter of time. However, I wouldn't have traded the experience for anything, even the cut and road rash isn't a big deal.

If you get a chance to go on a Segway tour, do it. It's such fun. If you want more information, just let me know. Awesome!

You just know

that whoever owns this car (a) has a great sense of humor (b) or maybe doesn't have one at all and (c) gets called this frequently by the car behind them regardless of their driving habits.

We saw this license plate on a car in a handicapped spot at the grocery store and at first I thought, "Aw, how sweet, both of their names." Then I said it to myself and thought "Moe ron."

Haa haa haa. Seriously, you really can't make stuff like this up. Someone paid extra money to call themselves morons on their own license plate. Yeow.

If this was my choice for a vanity plate, I'd rather go with whatever the state gave me.

What other vanity plates have you seen that were just wrong, clever or funny?

Phrases I love to hate

Phrases come and go from the American lexicon and there are a few at the moment that just make my skin crawl. Luckily I can avoid two out of three of them pretty easily.

Baby bump - this is perpetrated by the media/paparazzi in particular when stalking some poor female celebrity who may or may not be pregnant at the time. Instead of saying "hey, look at her belly getting bigger with child" or something of that nature, they get all cutesy and use arrows and circles (a la poor Katie Holmes (Cruise) this week on the cover of some gossip mag) to point out exactly where on a woman's anatomy a baby's prenatal growth pokes out. It's just an inelegant and cutesy phrase not worthy of the media or the celebrities about whom they are writing. It will be a great day when this phrase gets retired in favor of something more mature and respectful.

Mommy/Daddy likey - this is usually accompanied by real (or implied) waggling eyebrows and sly winks to connote something that smacks of sexiness. It's gross, people, just gross. Especially the mommy or daddy part. I'm certainly not a prude but -- just gross. I hope this one dies a quick death but it probably won't.

24/7/365 - this is of course the 21st Century shorthand for saying "around the clock" or "we're always at your service" or something of that nature. While I hate the phrase, in my writing work, I tend to use it or the 24/7 variation because it's quick and easily comprehended by any adult audience reading marketing literature or Web copy, my two biggest areas of writing these days. So while I really do hate it, it has earned a grudging respect from me and it helps me pay some of the bills.

How 'bout you -- what phrases have you heard recently that make your blood boil or your skin crawl? Jump in!

My mom

Lately I've been feeling chronically a day late and a dollar short. I usually send birthday cards and holiday cards to everyone and my promptness has fallen off precipitously in the past couple months. Part of it is I'm just busier than usual and part of it is an overwhelming feeling of apathy. I'm going to call the doctor today about the apathy and see what might be its origin. But I completely digress. Except to say that this is a Mother's Day post -- a day late. Dunno about the dollar short part although money is always tight, right?

My mom passed away in January 2001 at 87. Her last 10 years or so were spent in a nursing home, completely skewing the odds of that occurring. Truthfully, she was not a really nice person when she was younger and we had many, many moments of discord between us over the years. I loved her but she was a tough person to love at times.

She mellowed considerably as her body failed, starting with an aneurysm that she survived, over the last 10 years of her life. Yet there would be moments of the "old Nana" when the feisty Nana would appear in her eyes. I used to look forward to those moments, even if they just reminded me of what a witch she could be.

Anyway, I was thinking about her a lot over the weekend with Mother's Day on the horizon. I even changed my Facebook picture to one with my mom for a few days in honor of her.

I pulled a few pictures from Johnnie's computer of my mom and I wanted to post them here just to commemorate her. She looks kindly in these pictures but don't you believe it for one second.

Things people write

One of the clients that I do a fair amount of work for is a firm that employs Indian writers (not as in Native Americans, the other Indians) to create Website copy. Then they send the copy to me so I can make it intelligible to American readers. This makes some type of economic sense to them and I don't fight it. In fact, sometimes it is downright funny to see what they write as English sentences. I keep a list of the amusing sentences, with the clients well camouflaged.

Here are a few gems and yes, these were serious attempts that somehow made it over to me to fix:

• Keeping backyard chickens is easy with our kits that include handle and wheels for easy maneuverability
• easy to read and comprehend, concise in concepts and clear in apprehension
• simply outstand in the crowd
• immaculacy of work
• water related activities like Water Boarding, Waterskiing, Fishing, Inner Tubing (this one is my absolute, all time favorite)
• Inflammable Life Jackets (vs inflatable)
• If you have a good command over the language English
• It is common for shoppers to be enticed toward the fast-track choice to conclude the deal, means buying from first supplier stumbled across or the cheaper supplier found. You should keep in mind that inexpensive is not cheerful always and expensive does not mean plush always.
• You drive the vehicle of creativity and give physical appearance to your thoughts and imaginations.

Who says I don't have fun with my job??

Happy

Easter!

An open letter to Chicago Public Schools

Just read the announcement that Jean-Claude Brizard has been selected as the next head of the Chicago Public Schools. Brizard has been the head of the Rochester (NY) City School District since 2008. While we don't live in the city of Rochester and have no children attending school in any school district, we're sorry, Chicago. Brizard looks good on paper and even (sorta) talks a good game but I don't think he'll be of much help to you.

I don't know what he told your board of education but his performance and fiscal responsibility here hasn't been good. The graduation rate for city high schoolers is still below 30 percent. He still makes more than $200k a year while the school district is bankrupt. He's ruffled lots of feathers -- to the point that the teachers' union voted No Confidence in him just a couple months ago. Sorry, guys.

However, I don't think there will be a lot of tears shed at his departure from Rochester. Personally, there's just something that's not quite right about his position on things and how he has performed his position. It just doesn't ring true. Hopefully he'll do a better job for you Chicagoans than he has done here in Rochester. We can only hope.